I had an interesting conversation with my maternal grandma ("Mamaw") earlier today. Our conversation had come around to my recent divorce and I referred to my ex as my "husband". Mamaw's reaction caused me to briefly wonder whether I had previously used this terminology with her.
"Husband?!?" she blurted, sounding a bit as if she were recoiling from the telephone.
"Sure," I affirmed. "We were married and he was my husband." I was trying to figure out why this should be news to her, given that my ex and I missed our eleventh anniversary by only several weeks and that he had attended more than one holiday gathering at her home. I then recalled that I had, indeed, once described myself to her as "going about the business of being a good husband".
"Well, if he was your husband, then who was the wife?!?" She sounded... indignant? incredulous? revolted? It was a nauseating mixture of surprise and disgust garnished with a sprig of anger.
I explained that we were both husbands because we were both men; there was no wife involved. This seemed rather elementary to me and I was a bit afraid that I was insulting her intelligence.
"I just can't understand that... two husbands? It doesn't make sense."
Her last comment shocked me perhaps more than her original enquiry. I was married to this man for nearly eleven years. Mamaw and the rest of my family had long since accepted him as a member of the family. She could accept that we were together as a couple, but she couldn't wrap her head around the concept that we were each other's husband? How silly is this -- to get caught up in a game of semantics at this point? I was the one feeling incredulous now. Where was she going with this line of enquiry? To use an allegory, did she want to know who took out the trash and who baked cakes for the church bazaar?
Her reaction struck me as hopelessly old-fashioned. Normally, I would rather expect this from someone nearing 80 years of age, but I knew all too well how far this womon had come in her thinking... or, at least, I thought that I did. Did her thinking reveal deeply-seated sexist or homophobic attitudes? Did this reveal contempt for the general model of my marriage or for her traditional role in an opposite-gender marriage?
Did my reaction betray me similarly? Am I so insulted by potentially being cast as a "wife" that our conversation should so get up my nose? In thinking about that, I suppose that the real insult for me in being called a "wife" would be the implication that I'd given up part of my masculinity and/or my manhood, a notion which I categorically reject for myself as well as for anyone with whom I am or have been involved, regardless of the domestic or sexual dynamics of our relationship.
However, this entry isn't a debate about masculinity and gender roles in same-gender relationships. It's just a way for me to vent about a comment that Mamaw made to me and to invite your commentary on the topic (as always). :J
No comments:
Post a Comment