Life in Ruin

Ruin is the road to transformation.
Were we not occasionally to find our lives in shambles,
We would become far too comfortable in mediocre existence
To desperately take the chances that otherwise seem like lunacy,
But are in fact the means by which we grow,
The very oxygen that our minds breathe,
The very food by which our souls nourish themselves.

Glass

El amor es difícil porque las emociones humanas son como el vidrio -- son delicadas, pero también se pueden cortar.

My spontaneous response when asked to write a thought about love at the beginning of Note to Self, a student production in UF's theatre department that consisted of monologues of the actors' varied experiences with love and relationships, which note then joined the hundreds of others on the studio wall that had been collected during the piece's run.

Translated:

Love is difficult because human emotions are like glass -- they're delicate, but they can also cut.

Thoughts in Yoga

For the heart to beat requires no thought.
For the lungs to breathe requires no thought.
To be requires no thought.

Thoughts come into and go out from the mind.
Let them go.
Be.

People come into and go out from the heart.
Let them go.
Be.

Objects come into and go out from one's presence.
Let them go.
Be.

Let go.
Let go and be.

Inspired by my instructor, Jenne, whose words are paraphrased in the first two lines.

Summertime, and the livin’ is ... easy?

Summer has been an emotional time for me for the past few years and the trend shows no sign of abating.

In the summer of 2007, I sold the historic bungalow that I had come to treasure as my home. I ruminated over whether I was doing the right thing to shed the responsibilities that come with home-ownership ahead of enrolling in law school, but when the time came to sign on the dotted line, I was ready.

I spent the rest of that summer tolerating my job and counting down the days until I could leave it behind and enroll in law school. Inasmuch as my job was something to be tolerated at that point, leaving was bitter-sweet event, to be sure. I had many wonderful memories of some colleagues and unbelievable stories about others, as anyone would after eighteen years in one place. My work had provided me with many opportunities for which I’m grateful. For better or for worse, however, when I left, the organizational culture had been undergoing a shift and I'd gone from being an insider looking out to an outsider looking in. When it came time for me to go, I was ready.

In the summer of 2008, I realized a years-long dream and enrolled in a summer study-abroad course in Spain. For two weeks after arriving in Madrid, I felt nothing but giddiness. After that, the one-two punch of being away from the Boyfriend whom I loved and of living in a foreign country where every day presented a new challenge, puzzle, or frustration hit me. I found some comfort in the romantic attentions of a handsome man whose acquaintance I made while in Madrid, but that brought with it more emotional turmoil. Every day was a cycle of missing the Boyfriend in the US, looking forward to going out with Madrid Man, feeling very much at home in Europe, and longing to be regarded by people in the street as something other than just another American tourist. I reveled in weekend trips to visit friends in France and Italy, which were emotional experiences of their own, and longed to stay in Europe, but when it came time to go home, I was ready.

After I returned to the US, my Boyfriend proposed to me on a weekend leave from his temporary work assignment in Maryland; we deepened our promises to one another and called ourselves married. Our newly-wedded bliss was short-lived, as he returned to Maryland and I temporarily installed myself with my grandparents in the small town where I grew up. By day, I interned for a district attorney and loved learning about criminal law. By night, I struggled with a paper that I was writing for school, missed my Boyfriend-Turned-Husband, fretted over how to disclose Madrid Man to him, and debated the nature of my recent nuptials with my grandmother. In the interstices, I renewed my relationship with my grandparents, who entertained me with their own antics and their doting over my dog.

In the summer of 2009, I went to Beijing for five weeks. I didn't pick up a romantic interest in Beijing, which made some things easier and some things harder, no pun intended. My emotional experience was otherwise similar to that of Madrid -- life in a foreign country can be grinding, regardless of how eager you are for the experience. Even now, however, I get nostalgic for both Madrid and Beijing.

I spent the second half of the summer in Charlotte, living with a close friend whom I've known for years and working for the public defender. Both experiences were fulfilling and edifying. I treasured both the quality time spent with my roommate, as well as his generous hospitality, and the experiences that I had at work, with an equally warm and generous cohort of colleagues. I found a career that I could do after law school, do well, and enjoy.

By the time the summer of 2010 came around, my Boyfriend-Turned-Husband and I had come to an impasse and amicably released one another from our vows. The summer started with a bang – law school graduation and my birthday on the same weekend! I was on an emotional high not only because of the events that were transpiring, but also because the guy that I had then been dating for a few weeks went out of his way to celebrate my accomplishments with me. This was tempered only slightly by the fact that, during many of my graduation festivities, my mother and father were in the same building together that wasn't a courthouse for the first time in perhaps thirty years. I was able to let go of my anxiety and let adults do as they would and, of course, everything turned out fine. I owe a big thank-you to my mom’s boyfriend for being instrumental in making everything go smoothly, to my family for rising to the occasion and being so proud of me, to Dating Man for generally making me feel special, and to my ex-Boyfriend-Turned-Husband for his support and understanding throughout law school.

As the current summer wears on, I top one emotional hill only to see more hills and valleys undulate infinitely toward the horizon. In my bar exam prep course, an "exceeds standard" mark on a practice essay one day gives way to "needs significant review" feedback on practice multiple choice questions; the next day, they invert themselves. My plans with Dating Man were cancelled one recent evening when his father fell ill; it was to be the last time that his father would fall ill. I struggled with whether I take time away from studying to go the funeral in an unfamiliar town hours away. I discussed the matter with a friend, ran through a cost-benefit analysis, analyzed the ramifications of each decision, made a rational decision not to go, and then went anyhow. It was SO worth it! I saw Dating Man in a new light. I think that we established a new connection, and my presence seemed to fulfill an emotional need in both of us.

As I type this, I feel like I'm in some sort of purgatory. I'm staying in Elon and studying for the bar exam for the entire summer, as if I've embarked on some sort of monastic vocation. To some extent, it hearkens back to Madrid and Beijing -- being unsure of what to do with myself in unfamiliar surroundings and having no one at hand to commandeer as an accomplice. This is the common thread runs through this summer and the three before it.

My ex-Boyfriend-Turned-Husband is caring for my dog and I return to Greensboro each weekend to give him a chance to visit family and friends out of town. I'm enjoying living in my own space during the week and don’t mind spending my weekends in Greensboro, but the transition between the two locales is emotionally draining. During the week, I feel independent and engaged in important self-actualization, but the weekends snap me back into an emotional spot that I didn't realize I was in and couldn't appreciate leaving until I'd gone back to it.

The fall lurks before me and my plans for that time are still unsettled. On the one hand, I look forward to finding a new routine in my own space. On the other hand, my summers have become times of profound feeling and thinking, of growth, and of enrichment. Maybe I should just move to Florida so I can experience summer year-'round!

Note to Self

Almost three years ago, I embarked on an incredible voyage of learning when I entered law school. As I looked forward to the experience that then lay before me, I imagined that I would learn something about myself as well as something about the law and, indeed, I did. Anticipating such an outcome, our professor, Steve Friedland, had each of us in my class write a letter from ourselves in orientation to ourselves at graduation. August 2007 Justin wrote the following to May 2010 Justin:

Dear Justin,

Congratulations! You've made it through what would appear from this end to be three of the most challenging years of your life!

What do the past three years look like from where you are now? From here, they are nebulous, expansive, and overwhelming. I'm unsure if I'm up to the challenge, if I'll be able to give my best all of the way through. What friendships that I'm now making will survive? What new friendships will I make? I've already formed opinions about many of my classmates; how will those change?

When I first walked in the doors here, I had notions of forming an investing club, an LGBT legal issues group (out of which might even grow a law review journal), and even had the notion that I'd introduce a motion to rename the SBA to the Litigating Christians. But right now, just after orientation and boot camp, at the threshold of my actual 1L classes, I wonder how much of that, if any, I'll have time to do. I wonder how much of [it] I'll feel free to do; I already see cliques forming among my classmates and see at work the same social pressures that I felt in high school.

I wonder, too, what will become of my relationship with Chris, given the time commitment that I fear law school will require me to make. We briefly discussed the matter yesterday after church, when I asked him how he felt when he was in seminary and was the one who had such demands on this time. He said that he just did it; that he and [his ex-spouse] had made the decision for him to enter into this and he was going to do the best that he could. He busied himself all afternoon reading, cleaning, baking, folding a load of laundry that I'd brought to his place, and ordering diner in. Later, when I'd been studying on his sofa for eight or nine hours, I felt my GERD flaring up and he went to the grocery store to fetch medicine for me. I do need to dispose of this guilt somehow so that I feel free to do my best without being distracted too much with thoughts of what I'm neglecting.

I hope that I graduate in the top third of my class. Did I? I hope that I'm able to join law review or become involved in at least one student organization in which I can demonstrate my abilities. I hope that I will be able to go to Madrid in summer 2008 and engage in some law-oriented work for the remainder of that summer (in Europe?). I hope that I get a good internship with a desirable firm in NC, preferably Raleigh or Greensboro, Asheville or Wilmington, or even Charlotte, which has charmed me on recent visits. (Remember whitewater rafting with Chris, Jenny, and the Debbies; Harry Potter with Chris, Christopher, Vanessa, and Josh?)

Donna's mom, Jan, is recovering from cancer surgery and Papaw has recently learned that he needs a heart valve replacement. I wonder how these situations will play out and how I might be called on to balance school and family life.

All of this and more will be known by the time that I read this letter again. Hopefully, this letter will help me to reflect on what I've accomplished and give me strength to face the bar review and exam with confidence and determination. After that? Well, who cares!? I'll have passed the bar exam! From that point, I can accomplish anything that I wish!

Best to you, future self!

Love, Justin

I remember thinking, when I wrote this letter, that I had high hopes for my academic achievement, but that I also wanted to set realistic expectations for myself. I didn't get on law review or moot court, due to a variety of SNAFUs that had nothing to do with my academic ability. I did, indeed, graduate in the top third of my class and exceeded the expectations that I memorialized in this writing, actually performing more in line with the expectations that I kept unwritten. I did form OutLaw, a social/educational organization for LGBT and allied law students. Although I am known for my puckish sense of humor, I never did pay homage to Elon's former mascot by proposing that we rename our SBA to the Litigating Christians. (Elon changed its mascot from the Fighting Christians to the Phoenix at about the same time that it transformed itself from a college to a university around 2000.) I did go to Madrid (and Beijing the next year) and accepted legal internships in both summers, including one in Charlotte during my second summer.

I am still friends and friendly with the same folks with whom I began developing those relationships during orientation. The depth and breadth of those and other relationships developed naturally over the three years of school. Those to whom I was friendly were and still are friendly in return; those to whom I was civil were and still are civil in return. I don't feel rejected by any of the folks with whom I graduated.

My relationship with Chris did undergo a radical change during law school. The change didn't have so much to do with law school itself; he was always very understanding of my need to devote time to my studies and I think that I struck a good balance between spending time with my books and with my spouse. Our break-up was about the path that I am travelling, on which law school was a vehicle. Our paths were parallel for a while and we enjoyed that time a great deal. When it became clear that our paths would diverge, we dealt with the inevitable as best as we could and set each other free.

Jan continues to fight and to survive and travelled from Kansas to North Carolina to visit friends and family at Christmas. Papaw has since had two heart surgeries and is doing well in that arena, though other health challenges have emerged.

This process of learning and growing isn't over yet. This summer and even the coming year promise many more challenges as well as opportunities. All I can do is stay positive, expect from the universe the goodness that I know that I deserve, and do something every day to move me closer to my goals.

"He's at the forty, the thirty, the twenty ... score!"