If only I had an answer, Redux

I attended this afternoon a memorial service for my friend, Ruth, who took her own life this past weekend. I'm not aware if Ruth were Quaker, but she worked at a Quaker college, and her colleagues there organised an unprogrammed, Quaker-style memorial service to remember her.

(Allow me to explain parenthetically what that last bit means. Quakers are the Religious Society of Friends and call themselves "Friends". Friends don't go to Mass or worship in a church, they attend Meeting for Worship in a Meeting House. Traditional Quaker worship is "unprogrammed" -- unstructured compared to the liturgies and orders of worship of other Christian denominations. Once the congregation is assembled and seated facing one another, congregants take turns rising and speaking as the Spirit moves them. Otherwise, there is silence. Each person waits for the "still, small voice of God" to move him or her to speak. An entire hour could pass without anyone being moved to say anything, but Friends find significance in this, too. When the elders of the congregation feel a consensus that all hearts and minds are pure and clear, they lead the congregation in shaking hands before they disperse. "Programmed" meetings also exist and follow an order of worship similar to that of Baptists or Methodists. BBC have a good, concise explanation of Quaker Worship, while the Wikipedia entry on the Religious Society of Friends is quite detailed and discusses programmed and unprogrammed worship, as well as Quaker memorial services and other traditions and beliefs.)

So, Ruth's memorial service was like a communal eulogy. The campus ministry coordinator rose and made a few comments to orient those unfamiliar with unprogrammed meeting. A colleague of Ruth's read a prepared biographical statement about Ruth that would become part of the college record. Many others spoke about their memories of Ruth or the last time they saw Ruth, shared funny anecdotes about Ruth, and described the ways in which Ruth had touched each life, however briefly.

The landlady of the house that Ruth and her husband rented stood and explained that she and her husband made it their policy to avoid meddling and to stay out of their tennants' personal business. She expressed her regret for that policy in this case, explaining that she wished that she "had been more nosy" and "asked questions" and gotten to know this intriguing person of whom our comments where weaving a tapestry.

The most telling comments were those of Ruth's mother, who described Ruth as someone for whom life was never easy and for whom every day was like a tight-rope walk. She explicitly mentioned Ruth's dyslexia and left me believing that Ruth did, indeed, struggle with burdens other than her obvious tremours without mentioning what they might've been. She said that she thought that Ruth had finally made it (past some unmentioned hurdle) and would mellow and take life a bit more easily once she reached middle-age. She said that she was "curiously" at peace with her daughter's death and that she wished that same peace for Ruth now, as well as for all of us. Yes, we were all crying by the time that she finished speaking. For a mother to stand and declare with loving words to a room full of strangers that she is at peace with her daughter's death after less than a week makes a powerful statement to those that hear it.

The whole experience was quite cathartic for everyone involved and I must believe that it was especially so for her parents, who had travelled from New Mexico to North Carolina to lay their daughter to rest and comfort their son-in-law and who likely had little knowledge of Ruth's interactions with the 250 or so people in attendance.

I still don't have a clear answer about why Ruth chose to leave us, but with the peace that Ruth's mother shared with us, I can get by without one. :J

If only I had an answer

I recently found out that an acquaintance, Ruth, took her own life this past Saturday. I'd worked closely with her a few years ago and we kept in touch at professional events, through mutual colleagues, and at estate sales around town. Though I didn't know her extremely well, her death has quite upset me. I just cannot make sense of the timing, much less the reasoning of her taking her own life.

Ruth's star was bright. Still in her 30s, she was attractive, educated, highly-regarded personally and professionally, and making a name for heself in her chosen profession, which she taught part-time at a local college. She had lived all over Europe and had settled down with a loving and uncomplicated man. Ruth stayed busy, but not stressed. She always looked put together, but not contrived. She always had an interesting story to tell, but didn't boast.

Judging from outward appearances, the only thing plaguing Ruth was a neurological condition that caused her to quake as if she'd drunk far too much coffee. I'm not aware if she struggled with depression, chronic pain, or other unapparent demons that are often to blame for driving people to seek a final solution to their problems.

I wish that I knew what was going through Ruth's head when...

• she collected homework from her class last week and promised to have it graded for this week's final class meeting
• she made plans to meet a friend at the dog park on Sunday
• she chatted with a mutual colleague last week about attending a conference together next month
• she kissed her husband goodbye on Saturday morning as he left for an out-of-town errand

Just an acquaintance, Ruth would've made a wonderful and interesting friend. I wish that I'd known her better for my own benefit and, perhaps, for hers. :J

High Country Get-Away

Chris treated me to a get-away in the High Country this past weekend (13-16 April). He rented a cabin near West Jefferson, which we used as a home base from which to explore the area. We spent Thursday driving, settling into our accomodations, and orienting ourselves to the area; we made our way through an antique mall and visited the only cheese factory in NC. Friday found us breaking fast at Shatley Springs Inn in Crumpler before spending the rest of the day hiking at Stone Mountain State Park near Traphill and ending up with dinner at Todd Mercantile in Todd. On Saturday, we wandered about Valle Crucis and visited Mast General Store before back-tracking into Boone for lunch at Angelica's (a fantastic vegetarian restaurant). Chris showed me some of his old stomping grounds from his student days at Appalachian State U and we visited the Moses H Cone mansion on the Blue Ridge Parkway, then headed "home" to finish the day with dinner at the Mountain Music Jamboree in Glendale Springs. We sadly packed our things on Sunday and made our way down US-321 to Chris' grandma's house in Patterson (near Lenoir) for Easter dinner with some of his family before heading home for good.

I put a couple of photos of myself from the weekend in my Friendster profile, but more are available in my Flickr account; both are linked in My Favorite Links on this page. Enjoy! :J

Semantics of a Marriage

I had an interesting conversation with my maternal grandma ("Mamaw") earlier today. Our conversation had come around to my recent divorce and I referred to my ex as my "husband". Mamaw's reaction caused me to briefly wonder whether I had previously used this terminology with her.

"Husband?!?" she blurted, sounding a bit as if she were recoiling from the telephone.

"Sure," I affirmed. "We were married and he was my husband." I was trying to figure out why this should be news to her, given that my ex and I missed our eleventh anniversary by only several weeks and that he had attended more than one holiday gathering at her home. I then recalled that I had, indeed, once described myself to her as "going about the business of being a good husband".

"Well, if he was your husband, then who was the wife?!?" She sounded... indignant? incredulous? revolted? It was a nauseating mixture of surprise and disgust garnished with a sprig of anger.

I explained that we were both husbands because we were both men; there was no wife involved. This seemed rather elementary to me and I was a bit afraid that I was insulting her intelligence.

"I just can't understand that... two husbands? It doesn't make sense."

Her last comment shocked me perhaps more than her original enquiry. I was married to this man for nearly eleven years. Mamaw and the rest of my family had long since accepted him as a member of the family. She could accept that we were together as a couple, but she couldn't wrap her head around the concept that we were each other's husband? How silly is this -- to get caught up in a game of semantics at this point? I was the one feeling incredulous now. Where was she going with this line of enquiry? To use an allegory, did she want to know who took out the trash and who baked cakes for the church bazaar?

Her reaction struck me as hopelessly old-fashioned. Normally, I would rather expect this from someone nearing 80 years of age, but I knew all too well how far this womon had come in her thinking... or, at least, I thought that I did. Did her thinking reveal deeply-seated sexist or homophobic attitudes? Did this reveal contempt for the general model of my marriage or for her traditional role in an opposite-gender marriage?

Did my reaction betray me similarly? Am I so insulted by potentially being cast as a "wife" that our conversation should so get up my nose? In thinking about that, I suppose that the real insult for me in being called a "wife" would be the implication that I'd given up part of my masculinity and/or my manhood, a notion which I categorically reject for myself as well as for anyone with whom I am or have been involved, regardless of the domestic or sexual dynamics of our relationship.

However, this entry isn't a debate about masculinity and gender roles in same-gender relationships. It's just a way for me to vent about a comment that Mamaw made to me and to invite your commentary on the topic (as always). :J

The Frugue

I am proud to consider myself a frugal individual -- one who economises on most of my resources, not just money, though everything seems to come back to that most liquid of assets. I believe that frugality is important for making the most of the limited amount of resources that I personally possess and for conserving the limited resources that exist on our planet so that others might enjoy something closer to their fair share of our planet's bounty.

One way that I do this is through my shopping habits. I'll look for anything on E-Bay. I've bought books, many clothes, shoes, crockery, car parts, tools, and endless gifts from other individuals from around the world on E-Bay. In doing so, I'm reusing something that's likely still perfectly good rather than buying something new (though much new merchanside sells on E-Bay, too), paying less for it than I would if it were new, and sending a few dollars to an individual to whom that money probably means more than if I were to spend it at a corporate store. Shops run by Goodwill, the Salvation Army, Urban Ministry (Greensboro), the Rescue Mission (Winston-Salem), Habitat for Humanity, and endless other non-profits, charities, and churches are also good places to hunt for reusable bargains.

When you're finished with something, don't just throw it away and let it sit in a land-fill or be incinerated. Sell the best things on E-Bay, put the rest in a yard sale, and donate the remainder to a charity shop! You'll help someone to find a bargain and put a few dollars back into your own pocket!

Let's think about grocery shopping for just a moment. I often start my shopping at Big Lots. They have some incredible bargains, even on what would normally be pricey food (gourmet and organic items). Monthly trips to Costco help me to stock up cheaply on items of which I use a lot (cereals, soy milk, canned tuna, coffee, fish, produce, paper products, etc), but be sure to compare prices, as such "wholesale" clubs aren't always the cheapest! Store brands almost always deliver better value over national brands, even with a coupon.

Don't forget to read those nutrition labels carefully! Cheap food is often made with cheap ingredients and the few dollars that you save now will be spent down the road on health care costs associated with consuming such trash.

• Hydrogenated oils simultaneously raise bad cholesterol and actively lower good cholesterol.
• High fructose corn syrup encourages obesity; just eat sugar, especially turbinado, demerrara, and organic.
• Enriched flour is little more than empty calories. It's called "enriched" because manufacturers have to put back the nutrients that the bleaching process strips out. On the other hand, "fortified" indicates that additional good stuff has been added. It's better to eat whole grains instead; whole wheat is fine, but spelt, millet, and qinoa are far better!

I don't often use coupons. I was once a loyal devotee of the clip-'n'-save method, until I thought about what I was buying with coupons and found that it was often something that I wouldn't normally buy. Even if it were, the store brand was usually cheaper. I now see coupons for what they are, a marketing device.

However, there are many things that money can't buy. Though it might not seem like it on that flight from New York to Kuala Lumpur, this is a small planet and, at the moment, it's the only one that we have. Our mother Earth gives freely of many of her resources, but they're not endless. Someday, the oil, coal, natural gas, and, perhaps, even the air and water will run out. Money can't buy more of any of these things. There are over six-and-a-half billion people on this planet with whom we have to share this space and limited resources. Not only is the rate at which industrialised nations use oil irresponsible from the perspective of its being a finite resource, but the way that we use it damages the planet on which we depend for life. Sure, the planet can heal itself if left alone, but that takes time and money can't buy time.

When you're next on the hunt for a new car, look for one with a smaller engine that will get better gas mileage. Better yet, buy a gasoline-electric hybrid (as much as 70 MPG) or a diesel (as much as 48 MPG) car and steer clear of the Hummer dealership!

So, the next time that you're have to go out for groceries or are in the mood to do a bit of recreational shopping, start at the thrift store, charity shop, or E-Bay. You'll find a bargain or two, keep a few dollars in your pocket until another day, help a worthy cause, and take a bite out of conspicuous consumerism. :J