Almost three years ago, I embarked on an incredible voyage of learning when I entered law school. As I looked forward to the experience that then lay before me, I imagined that I would learn something about myself as well as something about the law and, indeed, I did. Anticipating such an outcome, our professor, Steve Friedland, had each of us in my class write a letter from ourselves in orientation to ourselves at graduation. August 2007 Justin wrote the following to May 2010 Justin:
Dear Justin,
Congratulations! You've made it through what would appear from this end to be three of the most challenging years of your life!
What do the past three years look like from where you are now? From here, they are nebulous, expansive, and overwhelming. I'm unsure if I'm up to the challenge, if I'll be able to give my best all of the way through. What friendships that I'm now making will survive? What new friendships will I make? I've already formed opinions about many of my classmates; how will those change?
When I first walked in the doors here, I had notions of forming an investing club, an LGBT legal issues group (out of which might even grow a law review journal), and even had the notion that I'd introduce a motion to rename the SBA to the Litigating Christians. But right now, just after orientation and boot camp, at the threshold of my actual 1L classes, I wonder how much of that, if any, I'll have time to do. I wonder how much of [it] I'll feel free to do; I already see cliques forming among my classmates and see at work the same social pressures that I felt in high school.
I wonder, too, what will become of my relationship with Chris, given the time commitment that I fear law school will require me to make. We briefly discussed the matter yesterday after church, when I asked him how he felt when he was in seminary and was the one who had such demands on this time. He said that he just did it; that he and [his ex-spouse] had made the decision for him to enter into this and he was going to do the best that he could. He busied himself all afternoon reading, cleaning, baking, folding a load of laundry that I'd brought to his place, and ordering diner in. Later, when I'd been studying on his sofa for eight or nine hours, I felt my GERD flaring up and he went to the grocery store to fetch medicine for me. I do need to dispose of this guilt somehow so that I feel free to do my best without being distracted too much with thoughts of what I'm neglecting.
I hope that I graduate in the top third of my class. Did I? I hope that I'm able to join law review or become involved in at least one student organization in which I can demonstrate my abilities. I hope that I will be able to go to Madrid in summer 2008 and engage in some law-oriented work for the remainder of that summer (in Europe?). I hope that I get a good internship with a desirable firm in NC, preferably Raleigh or Greensboro, Asheville or Wilmington, or even Charlotte, which has charmed me on recent visits. (Remember whitewater rafting with Chris, Jenny, and the Debbies; Harry Potter with Chris, Christopher, Vanessa, and Josh?)
Donna's mom, Jan, is recovering from cancer surgery and Papaw has recently learned that he needs a heart valve replacement. I wonder how these situations will play out and how I might be called on to balance school and family life.
All of this and more will be known by the time that I read this letter again. Hopefully, this letter will help me to reflect on what I've accomplished and give me strength to face the bar review and exam with confidence and determination. After that? Well, who cares!? I'll have passed the bar exam! From that point, I can accomplish anything that I wish!
Best to you, future self!
Love, Justin
I remember thinking, when I wrote this letter, that I had high hopes for my academic achievement, but that I also wanted to set realistic expectations for myself. I didn't get on law review or moot court, due to a variety of SNAFUs that had nothing to do with my academic ability. I did, indeed, graduate in the top third of my class and exceeded the expectations that I memorialized in this writing, actually performing more in line with the expectations that I kept unwritten. I did form OutLaw, a social/educational organization for LGBT and allied law students. Although I am known for my puckish sense of humor, I never did pay homage to Elon's former mascot by proposing that we rename our SBA to the Litigating Christians. (Elon changed its mascot from the Fighting Christians to the Phoenix at about the same time that it transformed itself from a college to a university around 2000.) I did go to Madrid (and Beijing the next year) and accepted legal internships in both summers, including one in Charlotte during my second summer.
I am still friends and friendly with the same folks with whom I began developing those relationships during orientation. The depth and breadth of those and other relationships developed naturally over the three years of school. Those to whom I was friendly were and still are friendly in return; those to whom I was civil were and still are civil in return. I don't feel rejected by any of the folks with whom I graduated.
My relationship with Chris did undergo a radical change during law school. The change didn't have so much to do with law school itself; he was always very understanding of my need to devote time to my studies and I think that I struck a good balance between spending time with my books and with my spouse. Our break-up was about the path that I am travelling, on which law school was a vehicle. Our paths were parallel for a while and we enjoyed that time a great deal. When it became clear that our paths would diverge, we dealt with the inevitable as best as we could and set each other free.
Jan continues to fight and to survive and travelled from Kansas to North Carolina to visit friends and family at Christmas. Papaw has since had two heart surgeries and is doing well in that arena, though other health challenges have emerged.
This process of learning and growing isn't over yet. This summer and even the coming year promise many more challenges as well as opportunities. All I can do is stay positive, expect from the universe the goodness that I know that I deserve, and do something every day to move me closer to my goals.
"He's at the forty, the thirty, the twenty ... score!"
