The Unniversary

Probably the most significant event (journey, actually) in my life thus far is my eleven-year marriage to a great guy. We met on 23 March 1995 -- a Thursday -- and hit it off from the beginning. That date became our anniversary, of which we celebrated ten happy ones. My marriage ended on 29 December 2005, also a Thursday. (One could easily craft a metaphor of Thor's hammer striking us on the various days, though with opposite effects.)

Tomorrow will be what one might call our "unniversary", what would've been our eleventh anniversary and the beginning of our twelfth year together, but which will be, instead, a day of reflection and, probably, mourning. I'll look back on many happy times, many sad times, times of elation, and times of desperation. (Such is marriage, eh?) I will think of the person that I was and the person that I've become, the influences that he had on me and I on him. Had I not been married for the past eleven years ... where would I be living today? ...what relationships would I have with friends and family? ...what food would I be eating? ...what clothing would I be wearing? ...how would the world look to me? ...would I be in a relationship with someone else? ...would I have had multiple such relationships?

Let me take this opportunity to clarify that I'm gay, so my intimate relationships are with men; they always have been and I feel quite comfortable saying that they always will be. Let me also affirm that I deliberately use the terms "husband", "marriage", "separation", and "divorce" to refer to the various elements of my relationships. Many might take issue with my use of such words that are most often used to refer to opposite-gender relationships and would point out that suitable alternatives exist for describing same-gender relationships. I would counter that words are important tools and that they go far in shaping our perceptions. I do not see my relationships as "alternative" in any way; my marriage to my husband of eleven years carries the same weight in my mind as my former in-laws' marriage of nearly 45 years (and counting) and my maternal grand-parents' marriage of 60+ years (and counting). We relied on each other in the same ways, helped each other in the same ways, were implicated in one another's emotional and financial lives in the same ways, and developed relationships with one another's families in the same ways. Why should I have called my ex my "partner" and referred to our relationship as a "partnership" and the dissolution thereof as a "breakup" when "husband", "marriage", and "divorce" perfectly describe the scenario in which I found myself? Why shouldn't I avail myself of words such as "marriage" and "husband" which accurately and honestly convey the situation to those hearing the words? There was no question in the listener's mind regarding what my ex and I meant to one another or how we lived our lives together. Whether or not they were comfortable with that knowledge is another matter and not of great concern to me.

I treasured my marriage when I was married. I treasure my experience being married and my ex now that we're divorced. Tomorrow, I'll look back and reflect on eleven years of my life with a mixture of emotions, but also look forward to the future -- to my life with a new gem to treasure -- with optimism. :J