Summertime, and the livin’ is ... easy?

Summer has been an emotional time for me for the past few years and the trend shows no sign of abating.

In the summer of 2007, I sold the historic bungalow that I had come to treasure as my home. I ruminated over whether I was doing the right thing to shed the responsibilities that come with home-ownership ahead of enrolling in law school, but when the time came to sign on the dotted line, I was ready.

I spent the rest of that summer tolerating my job and counting down the days until I could leave it behind and enroll in law school. Inasmuch as my job was something to be tolerated at that point, leaving was bitter-sweet event, to be sure. I had many wonderful memories of some colleagues and unbelievable stories about others, as anyone would after eighteen years in one place. My work had provided me with many opportunities for which I’m grateful. For better or for worse, however, when I left, the organizational culture had been undergoing a shift and I'd gone from being an insider looking out to an outsider looking in. When it came time for me to go, I was ready.

In the summer of 2008, I realized a years-long dream and enrolled in a summer study-abroad course in Spain. For two weeks after arriving in Madrid, I felt nothing but giddiness. After that, the one-two punch of being away from the Boyfriend whom I loved and of living in a foreign country where every day presented a new challenge, puzzle, or frustration hit me. I found some comfort in the romantic attentions of a handsome man whose acquaintance I made while in Madrid, but that brought with it more emotional turmoil. Every day was a cycle of missing the Boyfriend in the US, looking forward to going out with Madrid Man, feeling very much at home in Europe, and longing to be regarded by people in the street as something other than just another American tourist. I reveled in weekend trips to visit friends in France and Italy, which were emotional experiences of their own, and longed to stay in Europe, but when it came time to go home, I was ready.

After I returned to the US, my Boyfriend proposed to me on a weekend leave from his temporary work assignment in Maryland; we deepened our promises to one another and called ourselves married. Our newly-wedded bliss was short-lived, as he returned to Maryland and I temporarily installed myself with my grandparents in the small town where I grew up. By day, I interned for a district attorney and loved learning about criminal law. By night, I struggled with a paper that I was writing for school, missed my Boyfriend-Turned-Husband, fretted over how to disclose Madrid Man to him, and debated the nature of my recent nuptials with my grandmother. In the interstices, I renewed my relationship with my grandparents, who entertained me with their own antics and their doting over my dog.

In the summer of 2009, I went to Beijing for five weeks. I didn't pick up a romantic interest in Beijing, which made some things easier and some things harder, no pun intended. My emotional experience was otherwise similar to that of Madrid -- life in a foreign country can be grinding, regardless of how eager you are for the experience. Even now, however, I get nostalgic for both Madrid and Beijing.

I spent the second half of the summer in Charlotte, living with a close friend whom I've known for years and working for the public defender. Both experiences were fulfilling and edifying. I treasured both the quality time spent with my roommate, as well as his generous hospitality, and the experiences that I had at work, with an equally warm and generous cohort of colleagues. I found a career that I could do after law school, do well, and enjoy.

By the time the summer of 2010 came around, my Boyfriend-Turned-Husband and I had come to an impasse and amicably released one another from our vows. The summer started with a bang – law school graduation and my birthday on the same weekend! I was on an emotional high not only because of the events that were transpiring, but also because the guy that I had then been dating for a few weeks went out of his way to celebrate my accomplishments with me. This was tempered only slightly by the fact that, during many of my graduation festivities, my mother and father were in the same building together that wasn't a courthouse for the first time in perhaps thirty years. I was able to let go of my anxiety and let adults do as they would and, of course, everything turned out fine. I owe a big thank-you to my mom’s boyfriend for being instrumental in making everything go smoothly, to my family for rising to the occasion and being so proud of me, to Dating Man for generally making me feel special, and to my ex-Boyfriend-Turned-Husband for his support and understanding throughout law school.

As the current summer wears on, I top one emotional hill only to see more hills and valleys undulate infinitely toward the horizon. In my bar exam prep course, an "exceeds standard" mark on a practice essay one day gives way to "needs significant review" feedback on practice multiple choice questions; the next day, they invert themselves. My plans with Dating Man were cancelled one recent evening when his father fell ill; it was to be the last time that his father would fall ill. I struggled with whether I take time away from studying to go the funeral in an unfamiliar town hours away. I discussed the matter with a friend, ran through a cost-benefit analysis, analyzed the ramifications of each decision, made a rational decision not to go, and then went anyhow. It was SO worth it! I saw Dating Man in a new light. I think that we established a new connection, and my presence seemed to fulfill an emotional need in both of us.

As I type this, I feel like I'm in some sort of purgatory. I'm staying in Elon and studying for the bar exam for the entire summer, as if I've embarked on some sort of monastic vocation. To some extent, it hearkens back to Madrid and Beijing -- being unsure of what to do with myself in unfamiliar surroundings and having no one at hand to commandeer as an accomplice. This is the common thread runs through this summer and the three before it.

My ex-Boyfriend-Turned-Husband is caring for my dog and I return to Greensboro each weekend to give him a chance to visit family and friends out of town. I'm enjoying living in my own space during the week and don’t mind spending my weekends in Greensboro, but the transition between the two locales is emotionally draining. During the week, I feel independent and engaged in important self-actualization, but the weekends snap me back into an emotional spot that I didn't realize I was in and couldn't appreciate leaving until I'd gone back to it.

The fall lurks before me and my plans for that time are still unsettled. On the one hand, I look forward to finding a new routine in my own space. On the other hand, my summers have become times of profound feeling and thinking, of growth, and of enrichment. Maybe I should just move to Florida so I can experience summer year-'round!

Note to Self

Almost three years ago, I embarked on an incredible voyage of learning when I entered law school. As I looked forward to the experience that then lay before me, I imagined that I would learn something about myself as well as something about the law and, indeed, I did. Anticipating such an outcome, our professor, Steve Friedland, had each of us in my class write a letter from ourselves in orientation to ourselves at graduation. August 2007 Justin wrote the following to May 2010 Justin:

Dear Justin,

Congratulations! You've made it through what would appear from this end to be three of the most challenging years of your life!

What do the past three years look like from where you are now? From here, they are nebulous, expansive, and overwhelming. I'm unsure if I'm up to the challenge, if I'll be able to give my best all of the way through. What friendships that I'm now making will survive? What new friendships will I make? I've already formed opinions about many of my classmates; how will those change?

When I first walked in the doors here, I had notions of forming an investing club, an LGBT legal issues group (out of which might even grow a law review journal), and even had the notion that I'd introduce a motion to rename the SBA to the Litigating Christians. But right now, just after orientation and boot camp, at the threshold of my actual 1L classes, I wonder how much of that, if any, I'll have time to do. I wonder how much of [it] I'll feel free to do; I already see cliques forming among my classmates and see at work the same social pressures that I felt in high school.

I wonder, too, what will become of my relationship with Chris, given the time commitment that I fear law school will require me to make. We briefly discussed the matter yesterday after church, when I asked him how he felt when he was in seminary and was the one who had such demands on this time. He said that he just did it; that he and [his ex-spouse] had made the decision for him to enter into this and he was going to do the best that he could. He busied himself all afternoon reading, cleaning, baking, folding a load of laundry that I'd brought to his place, and ordering diner in. Later, when I'd been studying on his sofa for eight or nine hours, I felt my GERD flaring up and he went to the grocery store to fetch medicine for me. I do need to dispose of this guilt somehow so that I feel free to do my best without being distracted too much with thoughts of what I'm neglecting.

I hope that I graduate in the top third of my class. Did I? I hope that I'm able to join law review or become involved in at least one student organization in which I can demonstrate my abilities. I hope that I will be able to go to Madrid in summer 2008 and engage in some law-oriented work for the remainder of that summer (in Europe?). I hope that I get a good internship with a desirable firm in NC, preferably Raleigh or Greensboro, Asheville or Wilmington, or even Charlotte, which has charmed me on recent visits. (Remember whitewater rafting with Chris, Jenny, and the Debbies; Harry Potter with Chris, Christopher, Vanessa, and Josh?)

Donna's mom, Jan, is recovering from cancer surgery and Papaw has recently learned that he needs a heart valve replacement. I wonder how these situations will play out and how I might be called on to balance school and family life.

All of this and more will be known by the time that I read this letter again. Hopefully, this letter will help me to reflect on what I've accomplished and give me strength to face the bar review and exam with confidence and determination. After that? Well, who cares!? I'll have passed the bar exam! From that point, I can accomplish anything that I wish!

Best to you, future self!

Love, Justin

I remember thinking, when I wrote this letter, that I had high hopes for my academic achievement, but that I also wanted to set realistic expectations for myself. I didn't get on law review or moot court, due to a variety of SNAFUs that had nothing to do with my academic ability. I did, indeed, graduate in the top third of my class and exceeded the expectations that I memorialized in this writing, actually performing more in line with the expectations that I kept unwritten. I did form OutLaw, a social/educational organization for LGBT and allied law students. Although I am known for my puckish sense of humor, I never did pay homage to Elon's former mascot by proposing that we rename our SBA to the Litigating Christians. (Elon changed its mascot from the Fighting Christians to the Phoenix at about the same time that it transformed itself from a college to a university around 2000.) I did go to Madrid (and Beijing the next year) and accepted legal internships in both summers, including one in Charlotte during my second summer.

I am still friends and friendly with the same folks with whom I began developing those relationships during orientation. The depth and breadth of those and other relationships developed naturally over the three years of school. Those to whom I was friendly were and still are friendly in return; those to whom I was civil were and still are civil in return. I don't feel rejected by any of the folks with whom I graduated.

My relationship with Chris did undergo a radical change during law school. The change didn't have so much to do with law school itself; he was always very understanding of my need to devote time to my studies and I think that I struck a good balance between spending time with my books and with my spouse. Our break-up was about the path that I am travelling, on which law school was a vehicle. Our paths were parallel for a while and we enjoyed that time a great deal. When it became clear that our paths would diverge, we dealt with the inevitable as best as we could and set each other free.

Jan continues to fight and to survive and travelled from Kansas to North Carolina to visit friends and family at Christmas. Papaw has since had two heart surgeries and is doing well in that arena, though other health challenges have emerged.

This process of learning and growing isn't over yet. This summer and even the coming year promise many more challenges as well as opportunities. All I can do is stay positive, expect from the universe the goodness that I know that I deserve, and do something every day to move me closer to my goals.

"He's at the forty, the thirty, the twenty ... score!"

Last Hurrah

Just before my final days at work this past Monday and Tuesday (30 and 31 July), Chris and I headed out of town for a brief get-away. We had wanted to go to New York and see Fantasia Barrino play Miss Celie in the Broadway version of The Color Purple, but that trip fell apart as we studied our respective budgets. We scaled back our plans and decided on a couple of road trips instead of one big, fantastic voyage.

So, last Friday, Chris and I piled into the car and headed north to Lynchburg. Chris lived in Lynchburg for a few years and I had visited Lynchburg often over the previous several years, as it's the hometown of my ex, Jeff, and his family sstill lives there. Upon arrival in Lynchburg, I met Jeff's mom to exchange some of his and my possessions that had gotten shuffled in the moves. I brought her some of her favorite candy treats and Chris and I both enjoyed chatting with her. We then met a friend of Chris' for lunch at a Lynchburg-style Chinese buffet (complete with all of the normal, Americanized Chinese fare, plus french fries, pigs in blankets, pizza, cheese and seafood tartlets, and an array of dishes made by combining the same six ingredients in different proportions; kinda like Taco Bell, but "Chinese" instead of "Mexican"). As much as I deride it, I enjoy an occasional dose of Lynchburg-style Chinese food. After Lunch, I paid homage to tradition by hitting the J.Crew outlet (J.Crew is based in Lynchburg and this is a real outlet attached to the warehouse!) and the outlet of the Old Virginia Candle Factory, which is always a good place to find Christmas and birthday gifts.

I'd planned a surprise for Chris on Saturday, who organized and surprised me with several adventures when I visited him in the Philippines. (I'd have no idea where I was going and end up on a donkey headed up a volcano or on a plane to Fantasy Island.) We were planning to go to church at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church in Raleigh on Sunday and I wanted to find a hotel near Raleigh so that we wouldn't miss church like we did the last time that we tried to attend Pullen when we ended up too hungover to go! So, I was poking around on Google Earth to find a nice hotel with a spa and spotted the Carnivore Preservation Trust, an animal rescue facility near Pittsboro that has tigers, leopards, ocelots, servals, jaguars, and other carnivorous cats and keystone species. It sounded like fun, so I made a reservation and we ended up enjoying an educational, 90-minute tour of the facility and introduction to several of their eighty resident animals. We watched tigers feast on whole chickens, saw a male tiger spray (Think garden hose.), and enjoyed the antics of a deceptively comical kinkajou.

Leslie, my roommate, had gone to the Raleigh-Durham airport to pick up her nephew and her sister, so we met them and had dinner at Southpoint mall in Durham after screening Knocked Up on our own. After dinner, we headed to Raleigh. I gave up on finding a hotel with a spa in my price range, so I just got us a room at the Holiday Inn next to Pullen so that we'd have minimal excuses for missing church the next morning. We did roll out of bed and attend church, where we were treated to a Taizé-style worship service (the main feature of which are musical chants in-between the components of worship) that also incorporated vignettes of prayerful dance.

After church, we visited some of Chris' friends, Andy and Megan, who'd recently become parents. Another friend, Brooks, who knows all of us one way or another (I met him at Wake Forest Baptist Church.) and who happens to now be the youth minister at Pullen, also joined us and we spent a lovely afternoon catching up and taking turns holding the baby. Andy is a software developer, Brooks used to work as a Macintosh technician, and I was until just recently a database administrator, so it was predestined that the three of us would end up geeking out for a while. Sure enough, we headed up to the Andy's study to "ooh" and "ahh" over the Commodore 64 that he'd recently purchased on eBay to relive a bit of his youth. I mistakenly identified it as a Commodore 128 until he pointd out that it was a 64 in its second-generation case. He'd kitted it out with a monochrome monitor, two disk drives, and a HUGE mouse that plugged into the joystick port. He demonstrated the GEOS software that he'd installed that put a Macintosh-style GUI on the Commodore. I mentioned that I had a TI-99/4A and we went on for awhile about the TI's superior graphics and sound, the Commodore's greater popularity, and the deficiencies of the two (TI's curious implementation of BASIC and convoluted code interpretation, Commodore's crippled serial bus that made access to disk data slow). All we lacked was the tape on our glasses, the goose-honking laughter, and our tri-Lam sweatshirts! We visited for a long time and ended up going for dinner immediately after leaving Andy and Megan's house. I was able to talk Chris into going to one of my favorite restaurants, Sweet Tomatoes, whose nearest location is in Raleigh. Yum!

The weekend gave way to a short work-week, since Tuesday was my last day at work before beginning law school next week. I tied up some loose ends and snuck out, wanting to avoid any long goodbyes. My law school text books have begun arriving and information about orientation has been arriving steadily. I have recently learned that I must wear a suit for my first two days! I might as well get used to it, since gone are the days of wearing camp shirts, cargo shorts, and hiking sandals to work. Silk ties, starched shirts, and wool suits will soon replace them. I might just have to rebel a bit and wear seersucker or olive drab and, to be sure, my faithful bow-ties shall make frequent appearances! Feh. Trust me to rebel by being über-traditional! :J

All the Ron

I received a note from my friend, Ron, in Nashville announcing that he'll be DJing tomorrow (Sat, 9 Jun) night at the Swan Ball, a big funds-raiser for Cheekwood Botanical Garden and a huge event on Nashville's social calendar. Ron is very excited about this, with just cause. Not only is he bringing dance music to one of the hoitiest of Nashville's hoity-toity events, he's also going to be experimenting with his new VJ set-up, which includes some experimental equipment that will let him more easily beat-mix videos in the way that DJs mix songs. (Not just DJing -- VJing!) It should be quite fab. Did I mention that Jay Leno and Earth, Wind, and Fire will be appearing at the Ball, too?

Check out Ron's, Cheekwood's, and Swan Ball's Web sites, linked above, and read the story about Ron in All the Rage, the weekly happenings rag published by The Tennessean (their equivalent of Winston-Salem's Relish).

So, Ron, will I soon have to adjust my bookmarks to point to vjron.com instead of djron.com? :J

---

Update: Since the 2007 Swan Ball has come and gone, Ron has posted some photos of the VJ booth at the event. Enjoy!

Love is ...

My boyfriend, Chris, and I were talking recently about the pleasantries that people exchange when they part company. He expressed some discomfort that one person of our mutual acquaintance has taken to saying, "I love you" in such circumstances, though he had know this person for a relatively short amount of time and had spent little if any time with her one-on-one. It's important to note that there is no romantic interest between Chris and this person and other factors make the unlikelihood that they would be come so involved stratospheric.

I've found myself in similar circumstances. Friends whom I've known for a long time and whose company I greatly enjoy, even my stylist (who has become a personal friend), have taken up the habit of attaching an "I love you" to "goodbye". Hearing this proclamation from someone who isn't my inamorata or a member of my immediate family leaves me perplexed, at a loss for words, and unsure about how to respond. Should I just say "I love you" back to placate the person, though I'd feel dishonest? But, I might not love them; at least not in the way that I mean "I love you" when I say it to someone. Should I respond with a sincere, but maybe underwhelming, "Aww! Thank you!", that might hurt their feelings or offend them?

When friends tell me that they love me in the disarming way that I describe above, I believe that they mean that they are fond of me, that they enjoy my company, that they want for me to go on my way safely, and that they are generally concerned for my welfare. By contrast, when I say "I love you" to someone, I mean that they are an important and likely permanent part of my life; that I enjoy their company and palpably feel their absence when we're apart; that I'm concerned about their state of mind, body, and spirit to the point of empathy -- when they are sad, I'm sad, too, not for whatever reason has caused their sadness, but because their sadness itself makes me sad; likewise, I actively delight in their happiness. Furthermore, as Chris pointed out, "[love is not circumstantial]." His point was that events such as a garden-variety disagreement or even divorce don't stop genuine love. When he was married, his in-laws regularly proclaimed that they loved him, but after he divorced, their contempt for him was evident. "[I wouldn't say that they ever really loved me, at least not in the way that I mean it when I say it.]"

I have consciously avoided using the word "gratuitous" in describing the way that some friends use the phrase "I love you". Something so precious, healing, and uplifting could never be applied gratuitously or too liberally. I think that Chris and I just share an opinion of what it means to tell someone that you love them and it is a deep and profound meaning, indeed. :J

Thanksgiving

Before I get started with the list of things for which I'm thankful, let me direct your attention to an opinion piece on usatoday.com which is probably the most cogent, well-thought-out, and succinct piece on the use of scripture as a gay-bashing weapon, Buzz Thomas' When Religion Loses Its Credibility. Brilliant, that!

So, as we Yanks catch up on the calendar with our Kanuk brethren north of the border and finally celebrate Thanksgiving, I'll take a traditional pause to acknowledge and give thanks for my blessings. This year has been quite a trial, but it has brought me things for which I'm grateful.

My health. I have lost about forty pounds (18 kgs, almost 3 stone) this year. Away with that weight went nerve tingling in my hands and arms, terribly painful GERD attacks, high blood pressure, elevated blood glucose levels, and fatigue. My mental health has had its ups and downs, but might be improving, too. Through most of this year, I've been troubled by events and situations at work. This past week, a few rays of sunshine began peeking tentatively through the clouds of depression. I'm not sure that anything has changed other than my attitude, but I'm grateful because I feel a bit better about my work situation. If I do leave my job to attend law school next fall, I'd like to leave on a positive note that's congruent with the twelve good years that I've had with the same employer and I'd like to restore some of my battered confidence, all of which I'll need for school.

My family. I've always been close to my Mum, Mamaw, and Papaw, the maternal side of my family. Recently, I've grown closer to Pops and his side of my family. This year, I said goodbye for the final time to Granny, my paternal grandmother. I witnessed quite closely her decline of health and the last weeks of her demise. During that time, I saw everyone pull together to comfort her and one another. Experiencing both the loss of a loved one and the love flowing between us has made me very glad that I've reconnected with my paternals and quite thankful for them as a unit and individually.

My home. A long-time friend and his partner recently took in an acquaintance from church who was in need of a place to stay after he wore out his welcome with another family. I'm so glad that I have a place to go every evening to feel secure and to welcome family and friends so that I needn't depend on the charity of others for shelter. Along with my home, I'm thankful for my job, my car, and my animals, which make my home life possible and richer.

My friends. I think that I'd have my choice of friends with whom I could stay if I were in need of shelter. From giving me cast-off furniture, to looking after my animals for an extended period, to treating me to the occasional lunch or dinner, to just having me over for drinks, I have so enjoyed spending time with my many friends. I hope that I have returned their kindness in some small measure or at least passed it on.

Jeff. This year began with the immediate aftermath of the end of nearly eleven years with Jeff. Divorce is never easy. I witnessed my own parents' divorce and related proceedings drag on for seventeen years. However, if I had to do it all over again, there's little that I would want different about the way that Jeff and I split up. He remained supportive and as sympathetic and understanding as he could be given his immediate role in the situation. I would certainly not trade our time together for not having to go through our separation, for there was much love there and it made me much of who I am today.

Chris. In the midst of my separation from Jeff, a near stranger from my past walked back into my life. Chris is warm, gentle, and smart and has given me so much love and support, not to mention the opportunity for a long, exciting trip to a fairly exotic foreign country. I like to think that, in return, I've given him a bit more than a few small gifts and soggy shoulders.

This list looked quite familiar as I looked back over it. I realized that these are the same things for which I express appreciation to God when I pray each night, though they're in roughly the opposite order when I pray, because what's the use in building suspense for a dramatic close when you're talking to God? Nevertheless, let's certainly take the day that's set aside for such purposes and be thankful for what we have, but let's also set aside just a minute for daily reflection on our blessings. :J

Glorious Republic of Justin, Ministry of Information, Report of Week

I ought to be listing stuff on E-Bay for the upcoming shopping, er, holiday season and I am, indeed, relisting some things that didn't sell previously. But, I'm feeling uninspired. The fact is that I'm distracted; a friend pointed me to a shopping site called Bim Bam Banana where I found some quite unique gift ideas like this puzzle alarm clock or this lung-shaped ash tray. Please do not take this as a subtle hint to buy either one of these items for me, lest you find it regifted to you on the next convenient occasion!

I received in the mail several days ago a voucher for two free tickets to the new Grand Theatre here in Winston-Salem, which is located in a converted Super K-Mart on University Parkway. Unfortunately, it was set to expire on the day that Chris returns from Manila, so I chatted up my friend, PJ, who recently moved back to North Carolina from California. We hadn't yet had a chance to spend any time together, so we arranged to see Borat. Oh my stars! When, not if, you see this picture, do yourself a favor and wear a diaper, because you will likely piss yourself; it's that funny. The main character, Borat, has come to the United States to film a documentary so that the Kazakh people and government could learn from our culture. At first based in New York, they begin a cross-country trek, driven by Borat's newly-found obsession with Pamela Anderson. Along the way, he and his producer try to learn American social customs and humor with poor results. They find themselves in numerous awkward situations that are hilarious and painful to watch. PJ actually had to leave the auditorium in search of cookie dough bits with which to comfort himself as Borat prepared to sing the national anthem at a rodeo in Salem VA.

After the movie, I drove over to the home of Jeff (Chris' cousin) and Dan, who were having a belated Hallowe'en party. (I suspect as much to alleviate crowding on the calendar last weekend as to take advantage of 75% off Hallowe'en regalia -- men after my own heart!) Not being one to dress in costume, I had originally planned to not attend, but I decided to at least drop by and say hello as long as I was out, since they were nice enough to invite me. I'm so glad that I did go to the party! Jeff and Dan are welcoming and gracious hosts and make friends very easily. I caught up with friends that I'd made at their August luau as well as made some new friends.

Later today, I'm heading over to Mocksville for lunch with Pops and Jeannie, then to visit my great aunt Bert, Granny's only surviving sibling, who's had a fall since Granny's funeral and is recuperating at home. After that, it's church this evening and back to the grind tomorrow. Mmmm... grind... grounds... coffee... mmm. :J

Comings and Goings

My life has been very much in flux for the past couple of weeks with friends and family coming and going on bases both permanent and temporary.

First, the comings. My cousin, Kristin, has moved back to North Carolina after a year in Boston (after having over-wintered there and found the New England winter not to her liking) and settled right here in Winston-Salem! We haven't hooked up yet, but I look forward to hanging out with her often. My cousin, Natalie, is expecting a brand new baby boy any day now. My friend, Donna, is returning to North Carolina from Tacoma and I might make part of the journey with her.

Now, for the goings.

My ex, Jeff, moved out at the end of June. He was supposed to stay put for the rest of this year, but his dream job came available in Richmond and his skills, talents, and knowledge made him an obivous choice for the position -- an archivist of historic preservation documents. Our last 24 hours together were, predictably, quite intense and included a heated discussion and emotional fare-well wishes. It was very hard on Jeff to say good-bye to the animals (and I flatter myself to think to me, too). I got choked up saying good-bye to his parents, my former mother- and father-in-law, but it was difficult to finally see Jeff go, too, as much as I thought I was ready for the day. I realised recently that being a good husband and looking after Jeff provided a feast for my ego and watching him leave, I felt oddly like an eagle parent watch its eaglet jump from the nest for the last time. We've communicated almost daily since Jeff moved, either by phone, e-mail, or chat and he's doing quite well.

Finally, and more recently, I said goodbye to my boyfriend just yesterday morning as I dropped him off at the airport for a two-month work assignment in the Philippines. I'd known for months that the day was coming, I helped him with many of his preparations, and I'm looking after some of his affairs while he's away; nevertheless, it was an emotional event to watch him go through security and round the corner to the gate and I sniffled a bit as I trudged back to the car. Twenty-four hours later, he called to tell me that he'd arrived safely after an uneventful flight and dash through customs.

Several friends have told me that I'm welcome to call and to visit if I'm feeling lonely. Truth be told, part of me has been looking forward to this solitude for an opportunity to process all that has happened in my personal life this year. I need to remember who I am and what are my tastes and make my house my own space; I need to reaccustom myself to look within for some of the things to which I used to look to another; and I need to commune with God and sort out what direction I my life will take from here. :J

If only I had an answer, Redux

I attended this afternoon a memorial service for my friend, Ruth, who took her own life this past weekend. I'm not aware if Ruth were Quaker, but she worked at a Quaker college, and her colleagues there organised an unprogrammed, Quaker-style memorial service to remember her.

(Allow me to explain parenthetically what that last bit means. Quakers are the Religious Society of Friends and call themselves "Friends". Friends don't go to Mass or worship in a church, they attend Meeting for Worship in a Meeting House. Traditional Quaker worship is "unprogrammed" -- unstructured compared to the liturgies and orders of worship of other Christian denominations. Once the congregation is assembled and seated facing one another, congregants take turns rising and speaking as the Spirit moves them. Otherwise, there is silence. Each person waits for the "still, small voice of God" to move him or her to speak. An entire hour could pass without anyone being moved to say anything, but Friends find significance in this, too. When the elders of the congregation feel a consensus that all hearts and minds are pure and clear, they lead the congregation in shaking hands before they disperse. "Programmed" meetings also exist and follow an order of worship similar to that of Baptists or Methodists. BBC have a good, concise explanation of Quaker Worship, while the Wikipedia entry on the Religious Society of Friends is quite detailed and discusses programmed and unprogrammed worship, as well as Quaker memorial services and other traditions and beliefs.)

So, Ruth's memorial service was like a communal eulogy. The campus ministry coordinator rose and made a few comments to orient those unfamiliar with unprogrammed meeting. A colleague of Ruth's read a prepared biographical statement about Ruth that would become part of the college record. Many others spoke about their memories of Ruth or the last time they saw Ruth, shared funny anecdotes about Ruth, and described the ways in which Ruth had touched each life, however briefly.

The landlady of the house that Ruth and her husband rented stood and explained that she and her husband made it their policy to avoid meddling and to stay out of their tennants' personal business. She expressed her regret for that policy in this case, explaining that she wished that she "had been more nosy" and "asked questions" and gotten to know this intriguing person of whom our comments where weaving a tapestry.

The most telling comments were those of Ruth's mother, who described Ruth as someone for whom life was never easy and for whom every day was like a tight-rope walk. She explicitly mentioned Ruth's dyslexia and left me believing that Ruth did, indeed, struggle with burdens other than her obvious tremours without mentioning what they might've been. She said that she thought that Ruth had finally made it (past some unmentioned hurdle) and would mellow and take life a bit more easily once she reached middle-age. She said that she was "curiously" at peace with her daughter's death and that she wished that same peace for Ruth now, as well as for all of us. Yes, we were all crying by the time that she finished speaking. For a mother to stand and declare with loving words to a room full of strangers that she is at peace with her daughter's death after less than a week makes a powerful statement to those that hear it.

The whole experience was quite cathartic for everyone involved and I must believe that it was especially so for her parents, who had travelled from New Mexico to North Carolina to lay their daughter to rest and comfort their son-in-law and who likely had little knowledge of Ruth's interactions with the 250 or so people in attendance.

I still don't have a clear answer about why Ruth chose to leave us, but with the peace that Ruth's mother shared with us, I can get by without one. :J

If only I had an answer

I recently found out that an acquaintance, Ruth, took her own life this past Saturday. I'd worked closely with her a few years ago and we kept in touch at professional events, through mutual colleagues, and at estate sales around town. Though I didn't know her extremely well, her death has quite upset me. I just cannot make sense of the timing, much less the reasoning of her taking her own life.

Ruth's star was bright. Still in her 30s, she was attractive, educated, highly-regarded personally and professionally, and making a name for heself in her chosen profession, which she taught part-time at a local college. She had lived all over Europe and had settled down with a loving and uncomplicated man. Ruth stayed busy, but not stressed. She always looked put together, but not contrived. She always had an interesting story to tell, but didn't boast.

Judging from outward appearances, the only thing plaguing Ruth was a neurological condition that caused her to quake as if she'd drunk far too much coffee. I'm not aware if she struggled with depression, chronic pain, or other unapparent demons that are often to blame for driving people to seek a final solution to their problems.

I wish that I knew what was going through Ruth's head when...

• she collected homework from her class last week and promised to have it graded for this week's final class meeting
• she made plans to meet a friend at the dog park on Sunday
• she chatted with a mutual colleague last week about attending a conference together next month
• she kissed her husband goodbye on Saturday morning as he left for an out-of-town errand

Just an acquaintance, Ruth would've made a wonderful and interesting friend. I wish that I'd known her better for my own benefit and, perhaps, for hers. :J